Footprints in the Custard – Every Hole is a Goal CD review

If Steel Panther kept up the comedy, ditched the glam and became a brutal death metal band, then they still wouldn’t sound as comical and aggressive as Manchester based death metal/grindcore 5 piece Footprints in the Custard. Singing about: STD’s, doing naughty things with Paramore’s own Hayley Williams and of course… Custard; Footprints in the Custard have managed to release one hell of an album – proving that you don’t have to be serious to release a kick ass metal album, and that starting off an album with a 17 second grindcore epic entitled ‘Everything I Want In a Girl’ is always the best way to catch the listeners attention. Every Hole is a Goal is an album as brutal as it gets, making bands like Napalm Death, Cannibal Corpse and Lawnmower Death sound like mice to it. It’s fast, it’s heavy and it’s explicit. What more could you want from a band whose album artwork looks like it’s been taken from the toddler section as Toys R’ Us?

Tracks such as ‘The great Outdoors’ (A song about a grizzly bear ejaculating all over someone), ‘Things I Would Do Sexually to Hayley Williams’ and the ridiculously hilarious ‘Every STD In the Book’ are all highlights on Every Hole is a Goal, combining raunchy, distorted guitar riffs, charging rhythm sections and side splitting lyrics to form some of the most memorable metal songs of the past few years. It’s the mixture of energetic, almost punk like music with the dirty, explicit and pubescent lyrics that put Footprints in the Custard in a league of their own. Making them stand out from every other metal band out there and pushing the boat out both musically and comically. 

Every Hole is a Goal doesn’t just contain brutal death metal songs. You just have to listen to tracks like the track ‘F in the C’ which takes the piss out of rap metal and the soft and dirty ballad ‘It’ll Be Fine’ which will get you singing along to the lyrical genius of:

“It’ll be fine as long as it goes all over my face, it’ll be fine as long as there’s no paternity case, it’ll be fine as long as you jump off of this ride, it’ll be fine as long as you don’t spaff one off inside… Of me”. Tracks like these not only add diversity and difference to the album, but show just how talented the guys in Footprints in the Custard are.

Footprints in the Custard should be pleased that they have written an album that is quite literally an all killer, no filler album – with not one moment on Every Hole is a Goal being monotonous or boring. The fact that no two tracks sound similar is what makes listening to this album enjoyable, not to mention that the moment you hear the spoken word extract on ‘In Pursuit of Knowledge’. This is an album that you can’t help but enjoy listening to.

Every Hole is a Goal is available for a free download from Footprints in the Custards band camp along with their two other records entitled “When Santa Spaffed In My Stocking” and “Oh God, It’s Warm”, but to be honest, there is no metal band out there at the moment who deserve money for their music more than Footprints in the Custard do. They are entertaining, memorable and balls out heavy and their latest record Every Hole is a Goal is going to be one of the best records you have heard in a long time! [9/10]

01. Everything I Want In A Girl 00:17
02. Rohypnol Romance 02:48
03. The Great Outdoors 03:45
04. Up Your Altar 03:53
05. The Curse 04:22
06. Things I Would Do Sexually To Hayley Williams 03:00
07. In Pursuit Of Knowledge 00:43
08. Blob Bunnies 02:56
09. Every STD In The Book 05:33
10. It’ll Be Fine 05:41
11. F In The C 03:59
12. Love Custard 08:41

About Del Preston

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweet shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me and Keith Moon and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweet shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shop owner and his son, that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business really. But sure enough, I got the M&Ms and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.
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